What to choose, what to choose. There are som many reasons that I’m depressed, I just don’t know which one to write about today.
Okay, I’ve got one. Even thought this crush I have on my friend is just platonic love, my mood still depends on whether she contacts me or not. Like this one evening when we were texting and everything was great and then she just didn’t answer my SMS. It felt so bad - like she was purposefully ignoring me. She probably wasn’t, of course. I’m just too sensitive.
It’s like this every time I like someone a lot. I had this thing for a guy who went to the same school as me about five years ago, and in those days, just seeing him in the hallway would make my day. And then if I didn’t see him the next day, it would break my day.
This annoys me. A lot. I want to be independent and I can’t do that when somebody has that much influence on me and doesn’t even realize it.
I should be an independent, confident 21st Century woman, damn it! Not a self-centered whiny brat…
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
October 20, 2009
October 16, 2009
3rd Reason
My third reason to be depressed is that I seem to lack some serious social skills.
I’m really shy around people I don’t know. I know that this doesn’t apply to every single good looking person on Earth, but I’ve often found pretty people to be cruel and insensitive. So I’m pretty much mute around the beautiful people. Also, most of my humour consists of irony and sarcasm and those are nuances of the language that not everybody get, which is why I’m really careful about joking when I’m talking to strangers. I probably come across as boring, but I find that’s better than being the creepy mean person.
Somehow, the thoughts always seems to get distorted on the way out of my head. I’m not a mean person, I’m really not, but I just always accidentally pick the words that seem to indicate negative character traits in the people I’m talking to. I’m actually a bit hypersensitive. By that I mean that I’m hurt any time anyone seems to be saying something bad about me, even when they’re not. I can actually turn a compliment into an insult just by interpretation.
Okay, all of the text above looks really egocentric, but the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t mean to hurt people but I do. I’m so sorry about every accidentally mean thing I’ve ever said to anyone. I wish I could take it back.
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
I’m really shy around people I don’t know. I know that this doesn’t apply to every single good looking person on Earth, but I’ve often found pretty people to be cruel and insensitive. So I’m pretty much mute around the beautiful people. Also, most of my humour consists of irony and sarcasm and those are nuances of the language that not everybody get, which is why I’m really careful about joking when I’m talking to strangers. I probably come across as boring, but I find that’s better than being the creepy mean person.
Somehow, the thoughts always seems to get distorted on the way out of my head. I’m not a mean person, I’m really not, but I just always accidentally pick the words that seem to indicate negative character traits in the people I’m talking to. I’m actually a bit hypersensitive. By that I mean that I’m hurt any time anyone seems to be saying something bad about me, even when they’re not. I can actually turn a compliment into an insult just by interpretation.
Okay, all of the text above looks really egocentric, but the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t mean to hurt people but I do. I’m so sorry about every accidentally mean thing I’ve ever said to anyone. I wish I could take it back.
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
October 15, 2009
2nd Reason
Here we go, another reason to be depressed. Believe me, I’ve got plenty. This one is a bit embarrassing. More embarrassing than being overweight and addicted to chocolate, you ask? Well. Yeah.
You see, I have a crush on one of my friends. Now, if it wasn’t for the well known problem concerning friendships that develop into something more and then destroy said friendships when The Breakup happens, everything would be fine and dandy. Except this friend on whom I have a crush happens to be female. Just like me.
When I first realized that I was a little too attached to her, it really messed with my head. Like, what, 90% of the world’s population I, too, had always assumed that I was heterosexual, straight, whatever you want to call it. So when I realized that I may be a lesbian, I got a bit scared. Where I live there are literally no lesbian celebrities. None. Nada. Zilch. And people are generally pretty conservantive and, well, ignorant. For example, if we actually had anything like the Gay-Straight Alliance, people would automatically assume that anyone who was a member must be gay. Because no straight person would feel the need to join anything like that, because hardly anyone knows someone who’s not heterosexual. Get it? It’s just sad.
So anyway, back to my story. Somewhere in between panicking and looking up lesbian forums on the internet I realized that this crush I have on my friend is purely platonic. And that, in fact, anything I had ever felt for anyone has been purely platonic. And that’s even more sad. I have never once been sexually attracted to someone. Not ever. It’s like I’ll forever be a five-year-old.
That makes dating a bit hard. Because when there’s no sexuality involved you can’t really tell if you’d want to get to know someone before you get to know them.
Ah. This may come as a surprise to you, but it sucks.
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
You see, I have a crush on one of my friends. Now, if it wasn’t for the well known problem concerning friendships that develop into something more and then destroy said friendships when The Breakup happens, everything would be fine and dandy. Except this friend on whom I have a crush happens to be female. Just like me.
When I first realized that I was a little too attached to her, it really messed with my head. Like, what, 90% of the world’s population I, too, had always assumed that I was heterosexual, straight, whatever you want to call it. So when I realized that I may be a lesbian, I got a bit scared. Where I live there are literally no lesbian celebrities. None. Nada. Zilch. And people are generally pretty conservantive and, well, ignorant. For example, if we actually had anything like the Gay-Straight Alliance, people would automatically assume that anyone who was a member must be gay. Because no straight person would feel the need to join anything like that, because hardly anyone knows someone who’s not heterosexual. Get it? It’s just sad.
So anyway, back to my story. Somewhere in between panicking and looking up lesbian forums on the internet I realized that this crush I have on my friend is purely platonic. And that, in fact, anything I had ever felt for anyone has been purely platonic. And that’s even more sad. I have never once been sexually attracted to someone. Not ever. It’s like I’ll forever be a five-year-old.
That makes dating a bit hard. Because when there’s no sexuality involved you can’t really tell if you’d want to get to know someone before you get to know them.
Ah. This may come as a surprise to you, but it sucks.
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
October 14, 2009
1st Reason
Ok, so I haven't posted at all after my first entry. But that's just what I'm like when I'm depressed. I stop writing. That's a pretty big deal for me because I've kept a diary since I was tiny and I usually try to write in it every second day, at the very least. But at the moment I just can't seem to find the peace to do it. Last time that happened was in primary school when my friends moved away and I was kind of frozen out by all the other kids.
Anyway, I finally figured out that the most logical thing to do is just to list all the different reasons that I'm depressed and, hopefully, when I've listed them all I'll hit rock bottom and then I can start feeling better. I'm lousy at planning and stuff so these reasons will just be in any order, whatever comes to mind first.
Today's reason is this: I'm somewhat overweight - not very much, I'm mostly a size 42/44 - and my only excercise is dancing. I also have chocolate addiction and I don't get hungry very regularly so my eating is all over the place. The thing is, though, this far, dancing has kept my weigth in check. I haven't been gaining weight and when I was training for this competition I even lost weight. But all that training meant I overworked a muscle, and the only cure for that is rest. Now, I hardly moved during the whole summer so I thought that was taken care of but then when I went back to dance class in August I discovered that this was not the case.
Let me ask you: how am I supposed to live a healthy life if I can't control the eating and now can't excercise?! And besides being healthy, dancing was a great moodlifter for me. No wonder I'm depressed when I can't dance... But what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't just heal tendons by a touch of my magical finger.
Aargh!
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
Anyway, I finally figured out that the most logical thing to do is just to list all the different reasons that I'm depressed and, hopefully, when I've listed them all I'll hit rock bottom and then I can start feeling better. I'm lousy at planning and stuff so these reasons will just be in any order, whatever comes to mind first.
Today's reason is this: I'm somewhat overweight - not very much, I'm mostly a size 42/44 - and my only excercise is dancing. I also have chocolate addiction and I don't get hungry very regularly so my eating is all over the place. The thing is, though, this far, dancing has kept my weigth in check. I haven't been gaining weight and when I was training for this competition I even lost weight. But all that training meant I overworked a muscle, and the only cure for that is rest. Now, I hardly moved during the whole summer so I thought that was taken care of but then when I went back to dance class in August I discovered that this was not the case.
Let me ask you: how am I supposed to live a healthy life if I can't control the eating and now can't excercise?! And besides being healthy, dancing was a great moodlifter for me. No wonder I'm depressed when I can't dance... But what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't just heal tendons by a touch of my magical finger.
Aargh!
E.
"Go away. I'm all right."
~ H. G. Wells, last words
October 6, 2009
They say clowns are always crying on the inside
Hi there.
I'm Eimear. I'm a nerd. I'm overweight. I'm shy. I may be gay. I'm definitely depressed.
Don't worry. Once you get to know me, I'm not actually a bad person.
Do you know what bipolar disorder is? It's when you're constantly on this emotional rollercoaster ride: first you feel like shit, then you feel you've achived Nirvana, then you feel like shit again. And then Nirvana again. Well, depression is like that - only without the Nirvana part. And like bipolar disorder, it only gets worse when left untreated.
How do I know I'm really depressed and not just feeling a bit sad? Well, my first clue was when I started wondering how pleasant a way to kills oneself poisonous mushrooms and/or berries would be. I've also thought about how easy it would be to steal some explosives from this construction site near me. Don't worry, though. I'm far too lazy to actually do something like that. And besides, I'm afraid of somehow screwing up and ending up alive but horribly mutilated.
So, I know by now you must be thinking that I need some serious help. Well, I may later on list the reasons why me getting help is impossible. Suffice to say, I told a close friend that I was feeling depressed and she changed the subject. All I can say is, I must be one hell of an actress since absolutely nobody has realized that I'm actually in trouble here.
Well. That'll be it for today. You'll probably hear from me again.
E.
I'm Eimear. I'm a nerd. I'm overweight. I'm shy. I may be gay. I'm definitely depressed.
Don't worry. Once you get to know me, I'm not actually a bad person.
Do you know what bipolar disorder is? It's when you're constantly on this emotional rollercoaster ride: first you feel like shit, then you feel you've achived Nirvana, then you feel like shit again. And then Nirvana again. Well, depression is like that - only without the Nirvana part. And like bipolar disorder, it only gets worse when left untreated.
How do I know I'm really depressed and not just feeling a bit sad? Well, my first clue was when I started wondering how pleasant a way to kills oneself poisonous mushrooms and/or berries would be. I've also thought about how easy it would be to steal some explosives from this construction site near me. Don't worry, though. I'm far too lazy to actually do something like that. And besides, I'm afraid of somehow screwing up and ending up alive but horribly mutilated.
So, I know by now you must be thinking that I need some serious help. Well, I may later on list the reasons why me getting help is impossible. Suffice to say, I told a close friend that I was feeling depressed and she changed the subject. All I can say is, I must be one hell of an actress since absolutely nobody has realized that I'm actually in trouble here.
Well. That'll be it for today. You'll probably hear from me again.
E.
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